Do I sound judgmental or preachy to you? Do I come across as if I know it all and have it all worked out? I’m prefect, right? If you have this perception – – I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.
Now it is the time for me to spill the tea on a few things you need to know about me.
I went out into the world without a strong foundation of self love and acceptance and made many, many, many, many, many mistakes including choosing friends, navigating career choices, giving too much in relationships, etc. When you grow up seeing dysfunction, you can easily repeat the same patterns. My extended rural southern family was effected by traumatic life experiences and mental health issues including schizophrenia, severe depression, and narcissism as well as domestic violence and alcoholism. I wanted to save my family, or at the very least, not contribute to their struggles. Consequently, this is the beginning of my people pleasing ways. Assuming responsibility and accountability for adult emotional issues, resulted is a loss of childhood innocence very early. I felt a lot of guilt and shame because I could not save my family. Through it all, I became a student of human nature, and watched everything around me.
Being the authentic me was not even an option while wearing a false mask hiding my pain, shame, and disappointment. I grew up feeling like an orphan and learned to cope with my hurt emotions and abandonment issues alone. It was only when I removed my mask, that I courageously faced everything and became accountable for all of my past mistakes and behaviors. My shadow self appeared clearly. I healed by confronting and accepting my flaws, forgiving myself and others, and making a commitment to evolve into a better human. No more self deceit and lying, accepting less than what I deserved, self hate or altering my appearance to assimilate (being told that “you are pretty for a black girl, thank God she got good hair” taught me that there was something inherently wrong with ME being ME), or blaming anyone for my past mistakes or hurtful decisions against others. It all had to stop.
I could tell you so much more in detail, and will later, but what is my overall point today.
- I want you to know that I am not judging you, I am YOU. I had the same fears, shame, regret, and sorrows. I have made some of the same mistakes. I have seen, experienced, and understand much more than you’ll know. So you can’t hustle me on this game called life.
- I want better for you than what I had to experience and learn in my life’s journey.
- I want you to know that you are worth far more than you know. Your true worth is divinely given from birth.
- I want you to seek out self understanding and perhaps re-program your mind if you identify a belief or perception about yourself that does not serve your highest good.
- I want to leave this world knowing that YOU have the opportunity to flourish sooner and even greater than me.
- I want the next generation to finish the marathon completely free in mind, body and spirit.
It is not my job to tell you how, when, or if you will awaken. It is not my job to defend what might trigger or resonate for you. My only goal is to share my experiences and lessons so that perhaps girls like me might find something in these comments to help them to understand that she does need to hide her crazy. She needs to heal her crazy. Our physical, emotional and psychological needs as children are not optional but rather a divine necessity for healthy growth into womanhood.
Perhaps the circumstances and the people who raise us are not as equipped as we often hope. But I assure you, they have an important job to play in your life. The lessons they offer need not be your final fate. Use what you are given – – learn from it ALL – – reconfigure and take what you need to become the magnificent, divine YOU. I don’t know what that will look like for anyone but myself but your divine authentic self knows what is best for YOU.
Finally, faith, forgiveness, gratitude, and grace can take you a long way in your journey. All praises to my day one ride or die – – DS. Special thank you to everyone else who had a role in my life. You did what you were meant to do. I am grateful for your contributions and live with no regrets. All is forgiven (not forgotten). I have no desire to repeat certain lessons over again but you never know in this game called life. I am still a student.
So now if you still think I’m preachy, I truly understand and respect your decision. Perhaps you will feel a need to judge me and choose to discredit or attack the messenger (as countless others before you have done). I respect your decision on this choice as well. Either way, if you go out into the world motivated to be a better version of YOU, my mission is fulfilled.