I owe someone an apology. I stood by and watched, as my friend was being bullied by a group of jealous girls (gang stalking in today’s terms). Truth be told, my own envy reveled a little in her being talked about in the most unflattering way. You see, this young girl was incredible – – beautiful, confident, witty, fashionable and desired by the opposite sex while my perception of ME, simply didn’t measure up. She also had the audacity to be kind-hearted, friendly and loving . . . oh my! So, I stood there and listened to the hateful gossip and slander, most of which probably wasn’t even true. For a split second afterwards, diminishing her somehow made me feel better.
Interestingly, once I saw Kelly’s face looking radiantly strong walking down the school hallway, all I could feel was shame and guilt. I believe Kelly, at 13 years old, had amazing inner-strength because she grew up receiving unconditional love and validation as a child. This freak of nature would teach me a thing or two about confidence, loyalty and friendship. If a murder has been committed with you at the scene of the crime, and you did nothing to stop it, our system of justice would find most bystanders morally guilty too. My friendship with Kelly ended, not because I didn’t want it, but because she had too much self-respect to allow anyone near her who would disrespect her personhood – – including a fair-weather friend like me.
On the next day, the very same group of girls made me the object of ridicule and hate, only this time they had a lot more ammunition to use and fire my way. I was the average “pretty for a black girl” at puberty (acne, awkward, oversized coke- bottle glasses, unruly hair, crooked teeth and not so fashionable NERD). I felt like a hot mess! I knew how to handle myself and simply kept walking, pretending not to hear the comments and snickering or see their judgmental, disapproving looks. It still hurt my feelings. I felt a pang of GUILT again, actually it was embarrassment for not sticking up for my friend Kelly. I should have admitted my own insecurities and envy, but facing those demons would come years later.
The competitive, disloyal, mean-spirited nature of some girls begins very early. Whether the behavior is innately primal or modeled by our mothers, aunts, sisters, neighbors or actresses, we have internalized the belief that there are not enough resources (love, attention, men, money, jobs, beauty, etc) enough for everyone. Therefore, we are constantly sizing each other up to see how we measure. If one doesn’t possess a healthy self-esteem, the emotions of envy and jealousy sometime cause girls and women to act on these feelings. The actions that follow are more often negative (low vibrational) than positive. These same girls grow into womanhood dragging along their rejection, heart ache and pain. Emotional healing is essential before becoming a mother, but some never focus on self enough to clear the traumas. These same women even use their children as pawns in their interactions against their spouses and partners. Children should not be misused in any adult issues but many don’t seem to realize that these hateful actions, often triggered by jealousy or envy, are transparent to most men as well.
Also, some women do not know how to resolve conflict in a heathy way that allows for resolution and reconciliation. It requires honesty (admit jealousy or envy) and a willingness to be direct without needing to win at all costs. Beneath it all, one has to be able to confront unhealed past trauma – – hurt and disappointment caused by a variety of circumstances. The distorted feminine energy is born if the internal work is not done.
distorted feminine traits
lying; mean girl behavior (jokes at a friend’s expense and maltreatment); belittling; passive-aggressive; manipulative; joy in others misfortune and failure; non-supportive and discouraging; unapologetic;misleading and capable of sabotage; deceitful and two-faced; shady; controlling and deceptive; phoney and opportunistic; malicious gossip; play games
The TRUTH is that there is no one on this earth just like you, therefore, no one can compete with the best version of you. Not everyone will respect you or see your value, but this is not your fault or responsibility. Competition has its legitimate place in sports, but when the games continue in our everyday lives, it can become very toxic creating divisions between women.
The TRUTH is a lot of our pettiness comes from a need to be the “most desirable” alpha female in the group. So ladies, this has a lot to do with securing male or female attention. Some women allow individuals who are operating out of their base instincts to make us slander and hurt another woman just for likes or attention. Some even disrespect other women, violating their partnerships, without thinking about the consequences. It gives them an EGO BOOST – – but at what cost? This is not acceptable and it diminishes self-worth.
Tell the TRUTH and shame the kitty!
As a collective, women have to learn to accept and love themselves above anyone else, as well as commit to change or evolve as necessary. This NEW person is not competing with another woman – – unless its healthy, sisterly rivalry or she is a professional athlete! We must put aside catty behavior in order to embrace our divine, authentic self. We are uniquely different and equally equipped to be powerful in our own right. We need to talk directly to one another – – tell the truth to self and let the chips fall where they may. Low vibrational, competitive energy needs to be removed, elevated, and transformed into COLLABORATION and love for the divine feminine – – again, realizing there are enough resources available for everyone. We cannot allow MEN or the media to tell us otherwise. I have believed this with my entire being, my whole life. It may not always look like what you envision, but you have to leave room for its many manifestations. Being a divine woman means being completely responsible and accountable for all of your emotions and actions against self and others. No excuses for bad behavior. Keep toxic energy in check. Manifest your hopes and dreams without hating on another’s success (however one defines it).
Divine Feminine Traits
Honest; Handle their business not the business of others; Ability to stand up for themselves; Integrity; Doesn’t talk out of both sides of their mouth; Set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others; Kind, dependable and loyal – – a true shoulder you can lean on; No games; No malicious gossip; Competes with “SELF” to be their best version of “DEVINE FEMININITY”
It is long over due but today I say to my high school friend, “I’m sorry Kelly.” You deserved better than what was done to you by, both the silly high school girls and me. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I learned a valuable lesson. One I never forgot. This doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the human emotions of jealousy or envy. I simply chose not to not ACT on them to injure another woman. I learned to recognize my shadow emotions and to go within to deal with my own issues. I struggled with insecurity for a while but fortunately, I had women mentors to model and reinforce the idea of focussing on oneself as opposed to competing with other women (self worth not contingent upon the success or failure of another). This perspective resonated with me and continues to direct my interactions with others. Just as we all may prefer different ice cream flavors, it is still important to remember that not everyone will like you.
It’s also not about being perfect either. There is no such thing as human perfection. We are all flawed with lessons to learn. Those who attack other women out of jealousy or envy are admitting publicly that they have nothing of importance happening in their own life. You wouldn’t be a priority, significant, or a threat to anyone if your value was not clearly on display. So when the green eyed monster rears her ugly head, I can laugh now knowing she has no power. Whatever is for me – – is for me. Life is ripe with opportunities and blessings in abundance (not the same for everyone). It is very easy for me to not only recognize the power and beauty of other women but to celebrate their successes as well. If they WIN, I win vicariously too. It feels inspiring, without taking anything away from my journey. So, don’t you worry about a thang ladies, I’ll be standing on the side to check you out (Bravo Sister), moving through the vibes towards my destiny – – uniquely made just for me.